I've been thinking a lot about bravery. Everyone says how brave I am, yet I don't look at it that way. I'm just doing what needs to be done. I think almost anyone in my shoes would do the same. What's the alternative after all? Sitting on the couch watching Planet of the Apes, feeling sorry for myself? Would that help save my son's life? No, it wouldn't, nor would it be healthy for my son, myself, daughter, husband, marriage or the health of our family.
So the new questions is, why do you think I'm brave? Or why do we think anyone is brave? I think it is because the ones we think are brave, are people battling something we can barely fathom, and of which we are frightened. Which leads me to my next idea, bravery is only possible when facing the unfathomable and/or that which fills us with fear. It's only in these circumstances when people are truly brave.
Life is filled will smaller terrors that make us afraid, thus requiring bravery. Standing up to your boss or teacher to express your idea. Asking for something from someone. Ending a relationship. Daring to make a new friend, placing your trust in someone, apologizing, trying something new. Choosing to make changes in your own life which inevitably will cause others to change, and thus we have created a new unknown. The list is so long....
So really we are all brave, and our bravery is a result of how we choose to respond to what life throws at us on any given day. I'm sure D's boyfriend was more frightened that any of us can imagine when he was mauled by that bear, but he was brave and most likely TERRIFIED beyond belief!
I am brave because I had/have to be. The level of fear has been/sometimes is, more intense that I ever thought possible. Now I have to be brave in a different way, because picking up the pieces of your life, after such an ordeal, is hard and full of unknowns. It's not like you can just stand up, dust yourself off, and go on as if nothing ever happened and resume life like before. That option is off the table even if you wanted to go that route. I have been surrounded by brave people, caregivers. patients, friends, family and the medical professionals who dare to let their lives be touched, daily, by those of us fighting for our own lives.
While many people say they can't imagine what I am/was going through, I could say the same about our doctors and medical professionals. These people are so brave, because they do what they do, everyday, by choice! Choosing to work in a field where you have to look terrified people in the face and deliver good, bad and terrible news, fills me with fear. I wouldn't want to do what they do. They choose to help people despite the uncomfortable, perhaps sometimes painful, aspects of their jobs. I believe some people are blessed with some gifts that you either have or don't, some gifts can't be learned, only enhanced. The oncology team, in addition to all their medical learning, definitely posses some of these gifts. The staff at Children's are brave for embracing, growing their gifts of compassion/medical expertise and sharing/caring their entire skill set with so many families. For these brave professionals I am sure the lows are hard and the successes so rewarding. I am grateful to have had the best medical care from the amazing and brave group at Seattle Children's Hospital.
Monday, June 4, 2012
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Mauled By A Bear
This evening I went to the hospital to take part in a group with other mom's of children, who have or who have had a sarcoma. Yes, I know this has nothing to do with getting mauled by a bear, but I'll get there.
Tonight's meeting was the first meeting and was labeled as a meet and greet. I told Pat that I was going to this meeting and was looking forward to meeting some other women who know what it is like to walk a mile in my shoes. She said, "oh great, a support group", that will be good for you. I told her it was not a support group as I have, not now or ever, had any interest in going to a support group. I told her it was just a group and that we may get some support from it, but that it is not a support group.
So let me tell you about the wonderful evening I had at my new support group! It's OK Pat, you can say I told you so if you want.
There were about 20 of us there. One mom whose child was just diagnosed last month, several in various stages of their treatment journey, a few who are almost done, me who was the newest attendee out of treatment, and several women multiple years out of treatment. We had a lot of laughs and some tears. I was surprised at how easily we all seemed to connect. Childhood cancer is so rare, and sarcoma's some of the rarest. In hearing from each person at each stage, I was able to see myself months ago in some women, some of where I'm at with others, hope for the future with others and a combo of all of the above.
I shared a blog link in CaringBridge, or CB from here on out, titled why life after treatment can be harder than the chemo. Or something like that. I am finding that adjusting to life on the "outside" is just as hard as our medical providers/ blogger said it would be. It's hard to relate to people and daily life. I started this journey as one person and emerged on the other end, the same person but very much changed. Now it's time to find my way, which takes time. Everyone else in attendance, post treatment, felt the same which is comforting. The group is a safe way to vent some feelings about adjustment without hurting anyone's feelings and have some laughs! This safe place to engage and share is important for us moms. Because for us it is not over, nor will it ever be. Especially for the next 5 years, with the threat of a recurrance hanging over your head. Only someone who has walked this walk knows how I feel.
I met a woman named Paula who likes to eat her ice cream while watching the biggest loser, while I usually had mine for breakfast. I am looking forward to seeing Paula again! I bring up Paula, becuase she was talking about CB. She didn't know I wrote about eating ice cream on CB. She also said her CB site became a lot about her journey, just as ours is. Then she expressed that she should not have quit writing after treatment. That was it for me. So here I am writing my first blog at 11pm. I see this site has been visited 145 times with nothing on it. Thank you. I'm back, and am realizing I am happy to be writing this.
I met "D", who I had seen before at bone tumor clinic, but had never talked with. Her daughter also had an osteosarcoma and they are almost done with treatment. They are from Alaska and living in the Ronald McDonald House. She told me she is looking forward to going home and that she went home recently on an unexpected trip. Reason for trip..... Her boyfriend was mauled by a grizzly bear! Wasn't expecting to hear that. The boyfriend is recovering and will be fine. Luckily he was swiped at and not bitten, but being swiped at, by a big huge bear, is pretty crazy.
After making sure he was okay etc. I shared with her a story: Years ago, I had recently been certified in SCUBA and was on a dive boat in Hawaii, about ready to go on our dive. I was talking to a guy sitting next to me, telling him how excited I was. He told me he was looking forward to the dive, but would feel better once we were in the water. He went on to further explain that right before any dive he gets a little apprehensive ever since he was bitten by a great white shark while surfing in the SF Bay area. Then he showed me the shark bite scar. I swear, this is a true story, I did not make it up.
So, I shared my shark story with her and stated that I was surprised to now be hearing another crazy animal survival story. So what's my point? I'm not really sure, but it's something along the lines of life is crazy and you never know what's around the bend, at least that's what the two of us decided. This is my life and I'm going to keep on moving forward with a grateful heart and a positive attitude, or as much of that as I can muster each day. But, even on a bad day, being grateful for what I have and positive about the future is at the center of everything I believe in.
That being said, I am glad to have never been bitten by a great white or mauled by a grizzly bear!
Tonight's meeting was the first meeting and was labeled as a meet and greet. I told Pat that I was going to this meeting and was looking forward to meeting some other women who know what it is like to walk a mile in my shoes. She said, "oh great, a support group", that will be good for you. I told her it was not a support group as I have, not now or ever, had any interest in going to a support group. I told her it was just a group and that we may get some support from it, but that it is not a support group.
So let me tell you about the wonderful evening I had at my new support group! It's OK Pat, you can say I told you so if you want.
There were about 20 of us there. One mom whose child was just diagnosed last month, several in various stages of their treatment journey, a few who are almost done, me who was the newest attendee out of treatment, and several women multiple years out of treatment. We had a lot of laughs and some tears. I was surprised at how easily we all seemed to connect. Childhood cancer is so rare, and sarcoma's some of the rarest. In hearing from each person at each stage, I was able to see myself months ago in some women, some of where I'm at with others, hope for the future with others and a combo of all of the above.
I shared a blog link in CaringBridge, or CB from here on out, titled why life after treatment can be harder than the chemo. Or something like that. I am finding that adjusting to life on the "outside" is just as hard as our medical providers/ blogger said it would be. It's hard to relate to people and daily life. I started this journey as one person and emerged on the other end, the same person but very much changed. Now it's time to find my way, which takes time. Everyone else in attendance, post treatment, felt the same which is comforting. The group is a safe way to vent some feelings about adjustment without hurting anyone's feelings and have some laughs! This safe place to engage and share is important for us moms. Because for us it is not over, nor will it ever be. Especially for the next 5 years, with the threat of a recurrance hanging over your head. Only someone who has walked this walk knows how I feel.
I met a woman named Paula who likes to eat her ice cream while watching the biggest loser, while I usually had mine for breakfast. I am looking forward to seeing Paula again! I bring up Paula, becuase she was talking about CB. She didn't know I wrote about eating ice cream on CB. She also said her CB site became a lot about her journey, just as ours is. Then she expressed that she should not have quit writing after treatment. That was it for me. So here I am writing my first blog at 11pm. I see this site has been visited 145 times with nothing on it. Thank you. I'm back, and am realizing I am happy to be writing this.
I met "D", who I had seen before at bone tumor clinic, but had never talked with. Her daughter also had an osteosarcoma and they are almost done with treatment. They are from Alaska and living in the Ronald McDonald House. She told me she is looking forward to going home and that she went home recently on an unexpected trip. Reason for trip..... Her boyfriend was mauled by a grizzly bear! Wasn't expecting to hear that. The boyfriend is recovering and will be fine. Luckily he was swiped at and not bitten, but being swiped at, by a big huge bear, is pretty crazy.
After making sure he was okay etc. I shared with her a story: Years ago, I had recently been certified in SCUBA and was on a dive boat in Hawaii, about ready to go on our dive. I was talking to a guy sitting next to me, telling him how excited I was. He told me he was looking forward to the dive, but would feel better once we were in the water. He went on to further explain that right before any dive he gets a little apprehensive ever since he was bitten by a great white shark while surfing in the SF Bay area. Then he showed me the shark bite scar. I swear, this is a true story, I did not make it up.
So, I shared my shark story with her and stated that I was surprised to now be hearing another crazy animal survival story. So what's my point? I'm not really sure, but it's something along the lines of life is crazy and you never know what's around the bend, at least that's what the two of us decided. This is my life and I'm going to keep on moving forward with a grateful heart and a positive attitude, or as much of that as I can muster each day. But, even on a bad day, being grateful for what I have and positive about the future is at the center of everything I believe in.
That being said, I am glad to have never been bitten by a great white or mauled by a grizzly bear!
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